Vows
I am struggling today. I went by his house last night three times. I was feeling so lonely and sad; a bit sorry for myself. We were just married 7 months ago; I have been left, abandoned, discarded; and rejected. He not only ended it; he had to tell me that he made a huge mistake marrying me, he never saw me as wife, and his love was growing cold towards me. Was it the addictions? Why is this so hard for me to accept? I swear I smelled the alcohol towards the end; but was it the relapse or was this person so tired of me and trying to meet my needs that he flipped a switch. I wanted so badly to work it out with him. Was it because I wanted him to stop the porn? He said all guys do it and I should not even know he is doing it; that I am too nosey. I felt like I wasn’t good enough; that my butt wasn’t big enough; that my boobs started to sag, and my stretch marks turned him off. How could he possibly think I was hot when I clearly have imperfections and do not measure up to those women? I could not accept it. I got tired of wondering if he was doing that. I got tired of his intensity; his road rage. His energy zapped mine. My gut always told me his spirit wasn’t good. He seemed too arrogant, cocky, but lacking such self-esteem. He was brilliant at work, calm with others, all his ducks were in a row. He was a provider type, a wonderful gift giver, considerate, caring, and would ask me about my day and seemed to care. He seemed to be into me. Was this all an illusion? Was he just an actor and got tired of the act? I have more questions that I will never get answers to. I am depleted. I am empty. I am walking with half a heart missing. My spirit has wilted. My soul seems disconnected. I poured into someone, something that took nearly all of me; and the little part that was left was made to believe that I was too much. That little part of that was left; was being told that I was too much for him. I got called every name in the book; even told that he did not even care if I died in a car wreck. I took all of this in and left. How does someone turn on you? I was loyal, faithful, respectful, caring, but was flawed. I was imperfect as we all are. I would say I am sorry when I made mistakes, but only to be told “no you are not.” I lived in such tension at times; other times he was my perfect partner, my soul mate, the person who knew and understood me, the dark and the light. I trusted him with the dark, the fears, the insecurities all were revealed to him. I almost sent him a text today asking if there was any part of him that wanted to still be friends with me; that this is such a huge loss for me; (he was my second marriage). I did not send it however. Logic kicks in; the way he treated me at the end proved to me he was not my friend and did not value my friendship. He used to tell me I was his best friend and he appreciated the way I care. I don’t know how to let go; or make sense; or just find some peace. He is dating others now; that hurts so badly. I said vows 7 months ago.