Originally Posted by
Pouncer 
I think my issue is trying to stop feeling anything. Alcohol helps to deal with difficult emotions, at least for the time being. Feelings are difficult for all of us addicts and not taking my medication makes me catatonic where I don't feel anything. I get so depressed that I check out and probably take comfort in the self-indulgent aspect of it. That is hard for me to admit.
Don't be too hard on yourself. As long as you treat it as a learning experience? What have you learnt through this relapse??
It's hardly surprising it happened, but you don't want it to happen again. That Alcoholic Voice doesn't stop whispering to us (it is cunning and baffling after all), and us alkies are masters of self-deception so we play into Alcohols hand when it offers to help us out by altering our perception of reality for us so things are easier to deal with.
I'm glad your resolve is strengthened. Good luck on starting afresh and looking after yourself as a loving parent would do today.
Jobs for today...
1) Emergency doctors appointment (maybe write it all down so you can show it to them if you suddenly don't feel you can voice your truths - if you're anything like me visiting the GP that is!!)
2) Find a SMART meeting to go to today.
I agree that you should be gentle and loving with yourself. But sometimes that means smiling at your own BS excuses if some pop up, and making yourself do the best thing for you (take action), not the easiest (isolation or procrastination). If your child was anxious would you medicate it with alcohol? Of course you wouldn't. So why is that an okay way to treat yourself?
I often don't trust myself as in the past I have kidded myself with so much denial (Denial = Don't Even Know I Am Lying) and self-deception, and I am the best at giving myself loads of procrastination-amunition (i.e. excuses!) I think this is why the AA 12-Step approach works for me, as it that daily turning over of will to my HP that I need. So when I'm decision making and uncertain I ask myself...
What would a successful member (of AA or SR) do?
What would a loving god have me do?
What are my motives?
If you spot any 'Yeah buts' sneaking into your thinking, then it's probably your AV sending you some procrastination-amunition.
Good luck xxx *hug*