No hope...same old story
Today I had such good intentions. My 26 yr old daughter, when I broached the subject of the money she owes her step father for plane tickets she promised to pay him back for, proceeded to rip into me about what a horrible mother I am. It was ugly. I am a failure. I was not a perfect mother, but I know without a doubt I loved her (and her daughter) completely and unconditionally and I am there always and help in her unhealthy relationship with her husband. I expect nothing in return. Ever. I don't know how to make this better. Some of her anger is probably justified. But I know logically some of it is misplaced and is really pointing fingers without taking personal responsibility. It doesn't ultimately matter tho because she hates me, and instead of doing the healthy thing and setting boundaries or disengaging from the conversation, I am drinking over it. It is a continuous downward spiral. In sobriety I encourage her to forgive and have a heart full of gratitude, to stop blaming everyone else and at 26 take responsibility for her life and her choices. And then I do the opposite.
I feel hopeless. Truly I understand sobriety is a better life but I drink over low self esteem, over my abusive husbands, over my chronic illness, over my sons brain cancer, over anything and everything. I drink over life I cannot see a way out. I already know I am worthless. To have that balidated makes me drink to numb out. Which I promise myself I will not do. And fail to fulfill that promise. And the cycle starts over again. I'm not sure I'll live to see 50 and I'm not sure I really want to.