It's time for lasting change!
I have always had a difficult relationship with alcohol. In my early 20's a drank quite a bit and it always led to problems...blackouts, doing things I would not normally do and damaging relationships. Then I became a mom and things somewhat changed...since then I've always drank from time to time, but many times it would lead to a blackout. My kids have seen my drunk, which is a horrible to say and knowing that just makes me hate myself. Of course, then there would be times I could have a drink or two and things would be good, so that would lead me to think I can handle drinking once awhile. Well, eventually that false belief turned into another night of not remembering what happened. Since recently moving closer to family and friends, nearly a year ago, I have drank more during this time which I'm not proud of. Over this past weekend, I was with family and one of my kids and I cannot remember much of what happened, THEN I went out with a family member. I only remember bits and pieces of the night and I hate not knowing what happened. I ended up doing something I'm not proud of and highly embarrassed to talk about and I just can't deal with it right now. I have literally wasted the last two and half days being depressed and just wanting to hide out (I work at home so this is easy to do). I mean if I did not have my kids, I just don't think I could live with myself. I've had similar feelings before and vowed to never drink again, then I think I can handle it, and the cycle starts over. And it's difficult when everyone I know, including family, likes to drink. I only get the urge to drink every so often...I can get months and months without wanting a drink, then I feel like I need/want it and I don't want to feel that way any longer. So, here I am because I don't have anyone that I can honestly talk to, but I know that I just don't want to drink because it has always led to me not feeling good about myself.
*sorry for the long post!