Hi sasha
You have no need to apologise at all, this is a safe place and I've seen your posts around the forum and I think you're a very giving person.
I'd speak to your doctor about how you're feeling. They usually have access to amazing resources and maybe a therapist could help a lot. My previous therapist changed my life.
There's no shame in asking for help and there's no should or shouldn't when it comes to your feelings :-)