Originally Posted by
MelindaFlowers 
I can relate to the amped up feeling. Alcohol really felt more like a stimulant to me. My energy and alertness increased after a few drinks. I also became very engaged in what was doing in a weird, drunk way. Painting an entire room (taping and all) was so easy when drunk.
However, my tolerance became nearly bottomless. Often I felt barely buzzed sober after ten drinks. God, I was one sick puppy. The amped up feeling led to blackouts and fits of rage and sobbing. Never again.
Btw: I know darn well I was not actually more alert but it sure felt like it! I think it just calmed my central nervous system, like putting the car into cruise control.
I don't really understand why alcohol acts as a stimulant for folks like us. What is the chemistry that makes my body go into over drive while others simply go to sleep? The blackouts, fits of rage and sobbing are something I can totally relate to... and such a departure from who I am when not drinking. I act like a wounded beast when I am drunk.
I am fully over it. Another member posted a note mentioning that the time I have spent being a belligerent drunk is, likely, such a small portion of my time that it really only represents about 3% of my life. Which is totally true. It's a seriously dark 3% of my life that I fully intend on cutting out of my reality.
This kind of behavior not only affects living on not only profound levels but right down to the most basic and annoying detail. Like, now I am not only grappling with residual issues of shame/sorrow/questionable self worth but I also can't do the most basic task like go for a run because I physically feel like crap.
It gets better. I know that there's an upswing coming. And, of course, that's when the real struggle begins... when I am moving farther and farther away from feeling the bad and start to think "oh, yeah, I can definitely have one drink and be just fine." The coping resources I was cited to (thanks for that, soberwolf) were really helpful. I especially liked the concept that cravings are a wave you can ride until they fade out...
I really appreciate those who have read through me venting and offered encouragement, empathy and advice. You've all been here and you know it means the world.