ItsJustMe89

I am on day 63. That is the longest I have been sober. I was trying to quit for a few months but the longest I could string together was 12 days and then I would drink and have to start all over again. It took a long time for me to just stay stopped.

But even now, I still think about going back to it. I still want to and my brain tries to make me question if I really am an alcoholic or if I somehow "misdiagnosed" myself. Was I really that bad? What would it hurt to drink once a week? Maybe I can moderate now that I have broken the nightly drinking habit... Maybe I am not "ready" to give it up yet and fully commit to creating a sober life... These are the thoughts I have.

I think about relapsing and then just starting all over again at day 1 because the further I get into my sobriety, the more I will lose if I do relapse. When I relapsed all those times when I was on day 1-12, it didn't seem like a big deal to me because I could just start over again at day 1 and I didn't lose much because I hadn't put a lot of work, time, and effort into building a sober life yet. But if I make it to 6 months, or 9 months, and then relapse, it will feel like I threw away a lot of work that I had put in just to start back at square 1. So I guess at day 63 I still feel like I can go back and not lose a whole lot. But the further I get the more of a shame it will be. I know this is unhealthy thinking and might not make sense but these are the things that go through my head.

I am going to AA and I have a sponsor and I just started step 3. I guess Im just not sure if I am ready to make a promise to God that I am going to turn my will and my life over to him yet. I have always believed in God so the spiritual concept doesn't bother me. I know eventually I should turn my will and life over to him and that is how I am going to move forward and get better. But I question if I am sincerely ready to make that commitment. Maybe I want to keep my self will a little longer.