Need to share
I'm a little down and need to share here because I think other people will understand. I'm just a few days past 5 months sober, and I've tried to play it really safe. I've stayed away from bars, clubs, fine dining, parties, dance music and any other things that were associated with years of drinking and drug use. I've built a routine that centres mostly around work and home life. I've have picked up activities such as reading, studying a language, cooking, getting involved with a church community. They have been satisfying and I do enjoy them.
Tonight we had a work team dinner at a really nice steakhouse in a trendy part of the city. It was so nice to be back in that kind of dining environment with the soft lighting, lounge beats and fine food. As a social responsibility practice our company has a two drink maximum. I noticed throughout the evening that some people had one drink while others had two. It was obvious the alcohol acted as a social lubricant as it got noisier and louder, but no one appeared drunk or messy. The waiter explained the various wine options that would pair with the steak. I worked my way through several glasses of Diet Pepsi throughout the evening. As we left I noticed all the diners having conversation over glasses of wine. The streets were starting to get busy with people dressed for an evening out. I can't lie - it was hard. I didn't have cravings, but it was hard. I walked home in a light rain and felt pretty dejected as I left the neon lights of the entertainment district and walked down a quiet, dark side street to my home.
Now I sit here with another Diet Coke sharing on SR. The thing is, I don't want to go out and drink. I don't have cravings. But I still feel sad. I'm making this choice willingly. No one - not SR, not my partner, not my friends, not my AA sponsor - none of them is forcing me to do this. I can go out and drink; I can do whatever I want to do - but I'm making this choice to be right here right now. I don't need to sit here and try to make myself to be some kind of hero or martyr; and I have no right to feel it's unfair. This is real life. Just like a dessert lover who gets diabetes and has to give up sweets, I have a disease that requires me to make certain sacrifices. Those sacrifices aren't always fun, and maybe they never will be. I choose to do this anyway, and tomorrow when I wake up sober to a new day I'm going to choose sobriety again, and again, and again.
Thanks for listening.