Originally Posted by Florence

Counseling is the place to talk about all this. You can say to the counselor, with her in the room, "She was using every day right under my nose and lying to me about it, it was [devastating/confusing/bewildering/disappointing/financially taxing]. I am trying to own what was mine in that situation, and now that she is purportedly clean, I'm trying to learn how to trust my wife again after she lied to me every day for two years, and after the numerous ways all this has deeply affected our marriage/child/families."

The "she said no-kids" stuff? I'd tread lightly there. I know it's a sticking point because she was pretending to be something she wasn't, but you do have a child there now who is looking to you for safety and emotional security, and it will be devastating to the child to hear Dad was and is ambivalent about him or her. I was when my folks said it! Buckle down and recognize that even under these circumstances, you are responsible for a child who needs you (especially if Mom is an addict, dry or not), and that you're responsible for you and your behavior too. Detachment from her craziness helps. It helped me to really work on my relationship with my kids. I was an ambivalent and not very strong parent before, but all the counseling and SR work opened me up and made me more understanding and compassionate with them than ever.

You might find that you two are just incompatible in your marriage now. People change with time, addiction or not. But even then, there is no reason whatsoever to pull any punches, especially not in counseling. You can politely and clearly say that you believe your wife is an addict, her erratic and deceptive behavior is and was an issue for you, you are in counseling and attending Al-Anon which is helping you deal with this, and that you believe she is constantly pointing out your weaknesses to deflect from discussing hers.

I suspect that after a few counseling sessions, a GOOD counselor will hold her accountable for her part in it. REGARDLESS of whether or not you were supportive during pregnancy, she is responsible for how she acted over the next two years. REGARDLESS of whether you help out around the house, she's responsible for her part in staging a week-long silent treatment. Recovery for her will be realizing that drinking and taking drugs to cope with disappointment is as bad as avoiding the problems through silence and avoidance. A good counselor will point out that whether or not the origin of the toxicity is you, her, or the man in the moon, she's contributing to it. If I were you, I'd make a concerted effort to be nice and help out around the house, buy her some flowers to be spontaneous and kind, do something else thoughtful for her and the kid, cook a dinner, do a goofy dance in the living room to make her laugh, and do that more often, period, in the marriage, along with marital and individual counseling and Al-Anon. Even if it all falls apart, these acts of kindness -- to her AND yourself -- are the things that keep life together during the hard stuff. Have a frank conversation about what she wants to see you do around that house, and whether that's a general request or if there are specific things that she wants done by you and what her expectations are -- what, how often, etc. Own that. If you've been a reluctant husband and father, get to work on those resentments and let them go.

If your beef is ultimately that you've been deceived and are married to a stranger -- and that the woman you loved was a farce -- you have your answer. No marriage counseling will fix that.