Newcomer and first post
I know I should probably have stopped by the newcomers section first but I'm pretty distressed right now and I felt this would be the best place to start. My AH got belligerent with me tonight. We've been together for 7 years and have 2 beautiful little boys, both under the age of 5. I have no history of alcoholism in my family or any experience with dealing with it. I didn't realize until after we were married and I was pregnant that he had a real problem and since then it's been a never-ending struggle coming to terms with it. I started lurking on here after stumbling upon descriptions of the alcoholic personality and I felt like so many people were telling what happens in my home. I live with two husbands--one I married and the other is this belligerent jerk who flies off the handle at the drop of a pin and blames me for everything, especially his drinking. I learned a long time ago to avoid being around him when he drinks but sometimes I step on the land mine regardless of my precautions. Tonight was one of those nights. I should mention that my mother-in-law lives with is too and over time she has chosen to believe him when he blames me for his drinking, so I am the only one who ever tells him the truth. She also tells anyone who will listen our business so she has convinced others in the family that I am the source of his misery. As a result I'm the only one who has the bullseye for his attacks and he feels justified because his family enables him to deny his problem. Just tonight his mother took him out drinking (she herself does not drink) and recently I found out that she sometimes let's him drive her car when he's "not too drunk", which has ended since he got pulled over by cops who didn't even give him a warning but spooked him enough to stop doing trying to get away with it. He is high-functioning but getting worse in some ways. My question is, when do you know it's time to leave? As of now, he doesn't direct any of his nastiness at the kids but I figure it's likely he will one day. When he is sober he can be a good father. Maybe for others this wouldn't be so tough to figure out but I also don't have any experience with divorce. I've been a SAHM and find myself in a tough predicament depending on him, though I'm 44 and had a long independent life before being married w/children. I have family nearby who would help me but I'm frightened about the anger I'll trigger the day I leave. I don't want to end up with him taking off with the kids or having his whole family gang up on me by telling all their lies when it comes to child custody (they will lie to offset the unavoidable fact of his alcoholism--which I have documented in several ways). I'd like to stay and gets my ducks in a row, but every time he attacks me it leaves me feeling more and more sick. How does this progress with children? How are they affected? At the very least I'm very disturbed that this is the behavior he's modeling to his children--that he treats their mother like crap and uses such foul language. I know I'm all over the place with my questions. I know I need to get myself over to an Al Anon meeting somehow, but in the meantime I'd love some feedback here.