Great responses.
Bluhend, I felt like you for a long time. I couldn't imagine life without the fun & excitement it once was. So I held on to the idea that I could manage it if I just used enough willpower. I almost lost my life proving I had no control. As Lenina said, we are clinging to the memory of our early drinking days. I was completely dependent on it in the end - and like Della, I drank to survive. I'm glad you're working on getting free.