djmchammered

Hi everyone, I think this is a great place and looks like a very helpful forum. This is my first post in a "Sober" community. I thought I would say hello and introduce myself. Thank you all for sharing your stories and inspiration!!!!!


I have messed up my life pretty badly with Alcohol especially in the last few years. Last night I wrote a short list of all the experiences and events I have ruined by glancing back at my calendar and I can honestly say that every time I drink something goes bad. I am 36 years old and my life has always been about getting messed up, getting high, getting drunk, being loud.

Over the past two years I have made several attempts to completely quit booze and have gone a few months without a single drink. Being sober the last time before my current re-lapse (since Jan) was easily the most productive time of my life. I feel like I am very determined and close to being at the peak of doing what I really want to do. I feel like my professional life would really be firing on all pins if I could stop being a drunk. My wife is an amazing woman however she does not understand how come when I start drinking I have difficulty stopping. I have been prescribed lorazepam AKA Valium for my withdrawal symptoms for about 5 years. Last weekend we spent in Miami at the winter music conference and it was one for the record books. I was not really on-board with going cause I was afraid of my alcoholism but my wife was really wanting to go and party. So slightly talked into it and against my wishes we teamed up with another couple and booked our super expensive 500 dollar a night hotel room on Miami beach for the weekend. The other couple was very much into scoring ecstasy and getting completely blasted, I went into the trip not looking for any drugs and not really caring if we got any. I knew however that was simply not possible. The first night we drank and my wife proceeded to get blacked out drunk and that was ok with me and sort of funny as she was dancing on tables as we got our late night cheese fries. I was sort of reserved the first night there and was relatively behaved. We got a good night sleep and all seemed to be ok. The next night the guy from the other couple, one of my good friends was able to finally score some ecstasy from a dealer on the street. I have literally ate many hundreds of doses of ecstasy over the past 15 years or so being a raver and have really lost my enthusiasm for taking it. I asked the dealer if he could score some blow. I soon scored 100 dollars worth of stuff and from there it was like a jet taking off. I was soon dancing and jumping in our hotel room and the next few days were like adrenaline cursing through my veins. We literally had so much coke and ecstasy we had to toss it in the toilet when we left. I ended up doing tons of both as well as drinking my face off. The trip ended up with me onto the beach and pretending to work out with the rest of the guys on the beach gym while being video taped. I know someday it will be funny to watch but even looking at pictures makes me cringe. I can’t even go on Facebook without feeling ashamed and depressed. After we checked out of our hotel and had been up all night we went shopping and I am surprised I did not get arrested or have some difficulty getting on the plane (I had gotten kicked off of a plane once on my 35th birthday). We made it home….


I have now tapered off and have been off of drinking since Tuesday (4 days). I feel like I will have no problems drinking or starting to drink as I know I have a problem and I am aware of how it destroys my life and I never really wanted to go to the music fest in the first place. We have had some additional marital problems in the past month and we have been for the first time going to counseling. My wife is an alcoholic but she is relatively tame actually unless we go out for a night on the town. She is not ready to stop drinking and might not ever be. She is however verbally abusive to me and has been really not nice since our return. She has always been verbally abusive. I am considering and have been researching AA meetings and I am going to attend my first one next week since 1995 when I was 16 and I was your ordered when my house got raided. I have had no legal problems since being an adult and really hope to continue that way. I drink at home alone for the most part and never ever drive drunk. Alcohol is such a huge part of my life and my list of regrets keeps getting larger as I am thinking about it. I am making the list to reference it for the next time I am thinking about taking a drink. I am somewhat of a high profile musician and I am trying to continue my music career while never drinking again. I know some of you are going to slam me but I have had great success using medical marijuana. It does not make me want to drink or do drugs at all. I like coffee and marijuana and having a night out just doing that while others get completely blasted around me does not seem to bother me at all. It is however illegal in my state and I do not carry it on my person ever. It works for me in my periods of what I would call sobriety. I rarely smoke but it is a few times a week at least and when I am in a creative state it seems to really help me and actually help me not drink or want to drink at all.


So I am here now and going to give not drinking another go, I have no super awesome raging party plans and I am hoping my wife does not make any for me. She is not on board with me not drinking she simply does not understand I cannot stop like a normal person. I do not know why I wrote this or if you out there care or find it entertaining. I am serious about not drinking as I know it will kill me and I have so much awesome to give and to do. I am also a father of two and I am sick of them seeing me hungover and stupid. So going to try and be active on this forum and going to try and attend some meetings next week. Alcohol makes me the complete opposite of who I want to be and who I actually am. I really just love people and want to give back to everyone the love they have given me. I need to get to the point where I can say yeah, 2 years sober today! My life is a wreck and I have many many people to take care of including a parent I look after. I hate alcohol….