Welcome, Angelor -- I'm glad you're here, and sorry you need to be.
I think figuring out what
you want is a good place to focus your attention. And I smiled when I read this because it was so familiar to me:
There is an Al-Anon meeting that meets at 7:15PM on Tuesday nights less than 3 miles from me. Im not sure I can woman-up and go there. And what would the implications be if I did say I was going there.
When I was considering going to Al-Anon, it scared the crap out of me. In retrospect, I can see that my thinking was something like this: "If I actually walk through the doors into that meeting, I will have admitted that my husband is an alcoholic. And if I do that, I can't un-admit it. It becomes reality. And if it becomes reality, then I have no excuse for not doing anything about it. Maybe it's safer to stay in this world where I haven't yet admitted that he is an alcoholic, which means I can keep lying to myself and telling myself that
everything is just fine, thank you very much."
You do sound confused as to what to do, which is to be expected. Al-Anon helped me find a place of peace and quiet in my brain where I could start hearing my own thoughts. It provided me with a place that felt almost like a parenthesis in my life -- a place where
I mattered, and where I was allowed and encouraged to focus on
me.
When I read your post, it's almost entirely about
him. And that's what my life was like when I was married to an A, too. Everything was about him, his drinking, his behaviors, and trying to run around with a catcher's mitt to handle all the curveballs he threw. His alcoholism kept me so busy that my brain didn't have the fuel or energy to think about what
I wanted out of life -- it was all about putting out the fires his alcoholism set.
You also sound like a caretaker-by-birth-or-rearing. Just like me. I was taught early on to serve others -- which isn't a bad thing in itself. But when you get yoked together with someone who's an addict, the attitude of servanthood and support and putting others' needs ahead of your own can be your undoing. Because addicts are emotional vampires who leave nothing for you.
The first quote your husband posted on FB hit me in the stomach like a ton of bricks. I thought, "I would never want to be the person that someone doesn't want to live
without." I want to be a positive choice, not a necessity. I want to be an enrichment to somebody else's life, not a life preserver.
Again -- I'm glad you're here. You're surrounded by people who get it. And I recommend Al-Anon. The in-person, real life support was life-saving for me.