angelor

My ABF was a heroin addict until 13 years ago, then he went into a methadone program. We met three years ago, where he commuted by train to spend weekends with me at my house. He has stayed clean and is now 13 (maybe 14) months free of methadone. It worked for him. He moved in with me two years ago.
What he hasnt learned is how to deal with his triggers. One of them being his brother, another former addict, now scamming the welfare system and anyone else he can scam, including me, including my ABF. His brother showed up on our doorstep last beginning of June having decided he didnt want to live in Florida anymore, and asked if he could stay with us. He gave me some sob story about his girlfriend kicking him out yada yada. Of course, stay with us until you find a place to live.
My ABF started going to work drunk in the morning, leaving at lunch time to come home and hang out with his brother all day.
ABF quit/lost his job at the end of June. Suddenly, my garage became their hangout. I would come home from work to find him and his brother drunk as skunks in the garage with the music blaring.
His brother found a small cottage not far from us and moved out in September.
ABF had several very minor motorcycle accidents where he knew he was doing wrong but couldnt stop. October this past year, I opened my iPad and found he forgot to log out of google -- and his emails were opened, as well as messages to and from several women. I called him at his brother's and said, "You need to come home. We need to talk". On the way home, he had another accident that culminated in a minor concussion that required a neurosurgeon's care. We talked, we moved through the extra curricula activities. He was so upset with himself that he smashed his cellphone. He said it was all part of his addiction. He vowed never to drink and drive drunk again. He got another job, had to be at work at 4AM, we both got up at 3AM so I could drive him to work. I had no problem with this at all - Im an early riser anyway and would go straight to the gym after dropping him off.
He starts drinking heavy anytime he is with his brother, except, his brother can stop, he cant. He starts taking drinks before work. Arrives at work drunk even when I suggest that he call in sick. There's no arguing with a drunk.
He gets into a "discussion" with a co-worker where he tells the guy they should go out in the parking lot and settle it like "men". He gets fired for making it an unsafe work environment.
He knows he needs help but its always, next month Im going to have to go away for a week to detox from the alcohol, but next month never comes. Ive offered to support him in this in any way necessary but he has to tell me when he is ready. I have a feeling "next month" will never come.
Ive been reading "Getting them sober" to learn how to "deal" with his behaviors and "In the realm of hungry ghosts" to learn how to deal with my codependent behaviors. Its really hard for me to ignore how much he drinks when he goes on a binge. He isnt abusive to me in any way,shape or form. He just gets really talkative and lovey dovey. On his somewhat sober days (maybe 3 out of 7 days a week where he only needs 3 drinks during the day) our sex life is good (methadone and alcohol both wreak havoc on men both psychologically and physically but everything is in good working order nowadays). On his sober days, you can definitely tell he is in withdrawal -the stomach problems, the twitchy muscles...

Anyways. Here I am. I have the phone number for a company called Elite Recovery that says for no charge, they can help him find a detox/rehab place. He thinks he only needs 5-7 days to detox under medical care, but then he says, he doesnt want to quit altogether (haha, how many have heard THAT story!).
We are both over 50, I lost my first husband 20 yrs ago to a brain aneurysm while living overseas. I came back to the states 15 yrs ago to find my aging parents needed help, so I moved near to them and was their caregiver until they died, 4 and 5 yrs ago. I thought I was ready for a relationship but I guess I wasnt as here I am feeling like Im in caregiver role again.

Thanks for listening to me. I try to wake up with a smile on my face, go to the gym and find something to look forwards to every day, but its just wearing me down.