It's both ironic and somewhat cruel that that it takes time to get to a noticeably better place in sobriety, and that time is also the one thing we absolutely cannot get back after we put down the drink.
No matter how difficult things got for me in early sobriety, I was determined not to return to what had become a wasted life with nothing to look forward to but death.
At ninety days, I hadn't yet started to take my sobriety seriously. I don't recall exactly when things changed for the better, though I think that it may have been up to a full year.
One of the most heartbreaking experiences for me on SR is when people either give up too quickly and/or do very little to improve their lives or strengthen their sobriety, and then return to their drinking after several months or longer because very little has changed for them.
This is about life and death, and anyone can do it. Though it sometimes may seem as though it's amazing that anyone achieves sobriety, given all the crap we put between ourselves and living a better life.
Confusion is often a sign of growth or an indication that things are changing for us. If I were confronted with such a choice, I'd much prefer to make decisions while being confused than while drinking. Today I can make decisions when I need to, despite or as a result of my emotional state -- which is generally even, and not at all the same as "neutral" -- and without torturing myself over the possible outcomes. For me, clarity came only after I put down the drink, only after I began working on my sobriety, on my life. And it never follows my timetable.
The Universe was never intended to fulfill my every need or every desire. It's not capable on its own of providing me with safety, security or happiness. And it is relentlessly indifferent to love. The only guarantee that existence grants me is that there will always be consequences for whatever it is that I do or don't do. And that there will be suffering. It is through this stark indifference, this manifest sense of existential insecurity in an indifferent Universe, and in my suffering and the suffering of other people that I discover meaning.
Every time I type this out, or some version of it, I am again convinced that I'm exactly where I need to be.
Stay together. Alone and together.