healthyagain

and that the "dirt is out."

Why? Well I got another round of insults. First he started with my mom, whom he never met because she died, and he said that I am a bitch just like her. He called me a psycho.

He accused me of cheating, told me to, and I quote, "go and screw the guy next door" and that he knows what is going on "around the block." He said other explicit words that I will not share. He accused me of cheating on him with an additional guy, who also has dogs (and a girlfriend and is probably 15 years my junior) and my AH met him yesterday because I invited my AH to come for a walk with my dog and me. He also said he was not my first. And repeated that he doubts that we are even married (this was baiting me into slapping him, I know) because it was "some courthouse" (married in another country almost 9 years ago, and me naturalized 2.5 years ago).

Then he told me that I do not have a real job and do not have to wake up at 5 o'clock (I am self-employed and earn as much as he does, and work at least 12 hours a day, every day), that it is my fault because we have to pay so much money for taxes (yeah, welcome to the higher tax bracket thanks to ME), that I should get a real job, whatever that meant.

And he criticized my cleanliness again (the house looks like crap, he says, and guess who was scrubbing carpets today?)

So I showed him the letter, and read how much they asked for divorce. And of course, I am now this horrible monster because I did stuff behind this back. It is definitely over, he says. Hell yeah! I am crying because I feel absolutely devastated by what he told me, but it confirms my decision that divorce is right. The only possible thing.

In my case alcoholism is really irrelevant, but it is the abuse. He is so friggin mean and . . . how do you even convince someone that you loved them with all your heart and soul? That you gave everything 100%? And then he says he was not my first. I never ever cheated, EVER! I daydream of a healthy relationship, but I know I cannot have one because of my codependency, and I am so lonely. It makes me cry so often. I do not even think that I will ever have kids because my time is running out. I have a puppy that I shower with attention and love. I do not dare to look at men anymore.

So, I guess showing him that attorney application paper was a proper way of smacking him, without the possibility to be accused of DV. I just want him to know that there are people there and that I have reached out!

But I feel so broken. And the real reason for this drama? He is HUNGRY all the time now, and I am not feeding him. He lives on Hamburger Helper!

I feel I did the right thing though, although this was supposed to be my little secret. I did not say, "oh, if you do not stop drinking, I will divorce you." I just wanted him to leave me alone and stop hurting me. And I will divorce him.