What I am finding hard right now is that I am missing him and he has just withdrawn and seems completely indifferent / acting sorta normal / cheerful like nothing has happened.
We've been in touch via e-mail about some practical stuff.
He mentioned his Dad stayed with him for a few nights. I find his Dad very toxic to be around. His dad blamed me when husband relapsed saying it was because I wasn't being a good wife! Urgh. So it's really triggering to hear that he is there.
With everyone acting all 'normal' it almost makes me question my own judgement.
When he relapsed his Mum came to the hospital and while I was glad of the support, and she is a super nice person, she brought him loads of presents and new clothes and stuff for him.... and it's not that I wanted him to be punished, it's just it felt a bit like enabling, or at least cleaning up the mess and sort of 'spoiling' him, as though he was simply ill. I don't know it just felt weird.
I know she loves him, I just don't think any of them have educated themselves about addiction.
She said she 'wouldn't let him (be addicted)'... and everyone acted like it was just a 1 off thing that happened just because he was feel in depressed. Including him.
I see that this addiction has been around much longer.
Since he's been in recovery and clean (possibly??) he calls himself an addict, however he would still reject it if I ever referred back to the addiction he had to alcohol before.
His mum shared some of the stuff that happened during his childhood when his parents divorced and how his dad would humiliate him if he ever cried when he was a child.
It all just feels like so much denial.
And then I doubt myself and wonder if I am just crazy and toxic. I wonder if they are right and I've got it all wrong, and I am simply a bad wife.
He has also developed emotional relationships to younger girls who he worked with in the past. Not sexual, however they would be texting each other all the time, laughing and joking. This happened several times over, always with younger girls at his various work places.
I told him I was not cool with it, however he would say it was innocent. I said it still felt bad.
This was another reason I left.
I see that the connection with us two was lost, and I'm not saying it was ALL his fault, it just feels like everyone else gets the fun, and I get left with the sh*t! Plus it seems like I am the 'crazy' one.
Can anyone relate?
Ah well. never mind.
I need to focus on getting that connection back for myself, and creating the fun by in my life.