Sounds to me like that's not a great situation Eliasson.
The bottom line truth is tho - nothing can change until you stop drinking.
I know it's rough when alcohol seems like the only thing that makes the unbearable bearable.
Drinking was the way I tolerated my crappy little life.
Somethings should not be tolerated, I think. Getting sober and staying that way will give you a clearer head and more settled emotions to help you decide what you want
D