Feeling the pressure.
I've been experiencing fatigue for at least the past several days, and I finally surrendered to it today.
Yesterday I forced myself to take care of my responsibilities, and all but collapsed when I got back to my sister's house. I sat and watched TV with her for awhile, until she went to bed.
I woke up this morning after a night of broken sleep, including nightmares and making an amends I've been putting off (in my dream). I never call in sick for work, but I just couldn't get myself to do it today. Lots of aches and pains, and feeling as though I'd just been through a fight. Did nothing all day, pretty much guilt-free. People in different parts of my life are supportive, often very much so, and it all helps.
Mary Ann seems to be holding up well, and I've noticed that I carry a lot of anxiety for her, which is new to me. And then there is the exhausting rebound afterwards. And probably during. We talk, we laugh...but there's a permanent elephant in the room, and I know she's suffering, both with her condition and with the uncertainty of it all.
Next week is gamma radiation surgery for tiny brain tumors. I think my other sister is taking her, which would be a break for me. I accompany my sister to all her appointments, and I'm ordinarily happy to do so. We've waited for a couple of hours or more once we've gotten there on more than one occasion, but I learned patience during my sobriety. I'm very good at entertaining myself, and I'm happy to be there for and with her. But this would be perhaps a necessary break for me, though I imagine I'll go along anyway.
On a positive note, I was invited to teach at another university today, starting in the fall semester. Always nice to have something to look forward to, but I wasn't able to muster up any enthusiasm for it.
Thanks again for all your support.