rosalia

I have had quite a week, beating down the wine witch, telling the demon voice to leave me alone, and at the same time moments of alert joy, gratitude, and peace - oh and lots of reading, in the Big Book and on websites...even at work....

Lots of new ways to think of things too. There seems to be a lot of references to selfishness in the Big Book. I have to admit that the first few times I came across the concept I thought to myself, "well, that's not my problem with all the stuff I do for other people" but then my understanding started to change. Another concept that is repeated often is "Your will be done, not mine" As I thought about this, it came to me that unless I am doing things for other people without any attachment or expectation of an outcome, the action is from a selfish place. I am manipulating in order to contrive an outcome. This is selfishness. If I am worried about the outcome, to the point that I am praying for the outcome, then it is selfish. I always thought that selfishness was procuring something for myself using resources that could be shared, but I came to realize it is also selfish for me to keep a resource (myself) away from God's use because I am distracted by worry, or striving and using energy for my own ends. To be unselfish is to let the world happen and let God use me for His work, without my own manipulation.

These are early days for me, and the gears in my brain are just starting to turn.... I never thought of worry and self-pity as selfish, but I can see where they can be that.