I go through cycles with these feelings. Its been almost 3 months since I had contact with him. Most days I'm just grateful that my son and I are safe and relatively happy. And sometimes I wonder if he's even still alive, and I have broken my boundary and checked up on him. It doesn't help me to spend my time and energy on things which have nothing to do with me. My qualifier is my XAH; a child - ADULT child - would be harder to let go. Your feelings are valid because you feel them. No one here will shame you for caring!