Originally Posted by GettingBy
Bingo! I'm right there. I knew who he was, but thought he would change (didn't think I'd change him, well, mabye I did :-( ) Now I'm here, accepting the realities. He is who he is. I don't want to change him, but I don't want to be with him either. I feel bad for that. I feel like I made a promise I can't keep. Kind of feel like a failure.
It's tough. My heart is really breaking.
Hi! I'm so sorry your heart is really breaking .. I know the feeling all too well!
In retrospect, looking back ... I did in fact BECOME HIM .... I *thought* I loved him (and deep in my heart I do) .... but I loved only the side he allowed out .... after he's had a few .... nightly! It was just a fantasy you see. I didn't love the person for who he truly WAS .... but I was in love with the person the addiction created! When one comes to that realization it's like HOLY COW (ok, fill in your own word) .... WHY THE HECK DIDN'T I SEE IT SOONER. Yes, a big part wanted to change him .... to heal him ... but what I didn't see then ..... was ..... that he did NOT want to be healed. I think of him often (OK OK, daily) .... and want so badly to REACH OUT ..... but I did that for too long and it will just suck me in again and become SELF-DESTRUCTION written all over it.
What's the matter with us *addicts!?* Where are our rationalizing skills? Why can't we put things in PERSPECTIVE for goodness sake. I remember watching the Tsunami disaster coverage and thinking ..... and I'm here complaining about an *addiction* problem..... WHY WHY WHY WHY??? Were we born with some MISSING *logic* neuron or something!!
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!
K, people .... done rambling for the day! Forgive my lengthy response and I apologize if I've bored you .... I GUESS I NEEDED TO *VENT!!* Thanks for allowing me to do that!
SMILE!
Blessings,
M