the anger you feel at your mistreatment is founded for sure. no one should have to go through surgery alone, or be abandoned by someone who should be able to support you during a time that you need and deserve people around you who can hold you up through something as frightening as something like that. but boleo is right. you won't be able to understand the way we dissolve beneath fear and stress unless you reach that point yourself. throwing you away at the time you need them the most is very unlikely to be an elective choice to hurt or reject or abuse you. the way we struggle to address fear and stress doesn't make the choice okay or appropriate and i am sure that most people are here because we know that this isn't the right way to deal with difficult situations. both of you are victims. he will not be able to voice his pain or fear in a way that you will find acceptable because you can't unless you reach that point yourself. he'll be full of guilt but the fear and the resort becomes more powerful than you or your choice or your reason. we hurt everyone around ourselves and it's awful and unfair, and it goes a lot deeper than a throwaway desire to just get wasted, it runs into ingrained, inappropriate emotional and mental coping methods built up since childhood. but although he needs support, you need to make sure that you are looking after yourself, and you deserve someone who will be able to look after you in a position such as coming close to losing your life. it's absolutely not okay to tolerate behaviour that puts your wellbeing at risk, whether or not we understand the motivations behind it.