What It's Like To Be SOBER?
I haven't been on here for a bit. No real reason except that I reopened my FB and have started working out more, plus I am teaching myself how to play the ukulele. It's super cool!
Anyway, I have also recently resolved to give up drinking for myself. It is now Day 52. I have learned many things about myself and what all this "quitting" is like. Oh, I had also picked up smoking cigarettes again last year and I have recently quit smoking as well. For that it is Day 10? And let me tell you it is MUCH MUCH harder for me than alcohol.
But this is what it is like:
I was raised by hippies. My real dad introduced me to meth at the young age of 13. My mom and my step dad turned their heads and indulged in their own party where beer on weekends became beer every night, until I was old enough to be the designated driver, and years later, my step dad died of liver cancer, and my mom is downing 24 beers in about two-three days. My entire world of friends are drinkers, quite a few of them I suspect are alcoholics, and a handful are most definitely alcoholics.
Drugs and alcohol have been my world ever since I was little.
I'm a good girl, however. In fact, I think I am a fantastic person with a lot to offer, and I don't always date addicts/alcoholics, but that seems to be a running theme for me.
I have shared with my friends what I am doing. They all think I'm nuts. But nobody has disowned me for not drinking anymore... yet. But when I think about ALL the summer bbq's, camping trips, the wedding I am going to this summer and the Bachelorette party, and ALL the stuff I would normally drink at, I am terrified! This has been all I know my entire life, and the mere thought of changing that scares me. I worry, 'am I strong enough? can I really do this? will everyone still accept me? what's wrong with a little fun here and there?' And so on and so on... It feels like a major break-up, where I am still in love with the person, but I know it is for the best. It feels like I am losing a part of my identity. And then the question becomes, "Well, who the hell am I then?" Am I defined by my children, my job, my talents, my goals, my habits, my interests????
Wanna know a fun fact? I am defined by none and by all of those things. My core... Every human being, even our worst drunkards here, are all still human, and somewhere inside, there is a definition of someone that behaviors cannot define. Getting sober has A LOT to do with finding that core self and mastering who you are. A lot has been lost to these people for the choices they have made. And so, it is not simply as easy as putting down the bottle. It is a whole over-haul of life changing choices. WOW!
Just so you all know, I took personal inventory, and I think I am prime candidate for a future alcoholic. I didn't even realize it until I took the "sober" journey. And parts of me misses it, sure, but I know I am totally rocking ALL of my recovery. I work out like a mad woman intent on finishing a 5k at the end of next month in under 30 minutes, I have mad muscle tone now... I have applied and received my permit for a full fledged early childhood teacher, and am working my next step of job hunting... I had "the talk" with my mom about how I can't live with her forever (that was a BIG one for me; all my codiness had me convinced that she needed me here, especially since she drinks so much and really doesn't take care of herself, though she is high functioning).... AND, I have totally managed to fair my way through my break-up with my xabf whilst keeping in contact and keeping healthy boundaries. (for me that is no physical intimacy and no future planning together, but we still talk often; he is still drinking, and has made no real effort to go to AA.... ho hum... all talk still.)
Anyway, hope this sheds some light for some of you... Keep going in all your efforts. Today is a good day!