Originally Posted by
Winterkat 
I'm so tired of getting it under control, and then going off the rails.
I've been such a strong, stubborn person my whole life. Have run marathons, taught myself to play different instruments, have lots of skills and hobbies. But I can't seem to teach myself to not reach for that bottle, and it's wearing me down.
I know the answer is simple: just stop. And I do, until I don't. I self medicate for a job I hate, for the inadequacy I feel, for the self fulfilling prophecy that this disease is.
I'm smarter than this, and I do it anyway. I want to stop , and I commit to stop, and I do it anyway
Being ambitious, stubborn and perfectionistic is hard. There are always standards that you think you should be meeting. Anyway, I can relate.
There are many ways to sobriety and I hope you find yours. I am only on day nine after a long relapse, but telling myself
can drink but I
won't has helped.
Each relapse makes sobering up more difficult. The things that have got me through the has been appealing to my own sense of logic and reading old sobriety journals.
I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best. This people on this website have been great. I am not sure I would have made it this far without all of the peer support.
Hang in there. We are all rooting for you.
