I'm so tired of getting it under control, and then going off the rails.
I've been such a strong, stubborn person my whole life. Have run marathons, taught myself to play different instruments, have lots of skills and hobbies. But I can't seem to teach myself to not reach for that bottle, and it's wearing me down.
I know the answer is simple: just stop. And I do, until I don't. I self medicate for a job I hate, for the inadequacy I feel, for the self fulfilling prophecy that this disease is.
I'm smarter than this, and I do it anyway. I want to stop , and I commit to stop, and I do it anyway.
Just feeling really run down by it all today. Drank way too much yesterday, and woke up this morning feeling predictably terrible. Nursing my way through queasy stomach, achy head, terrible cramps. And today, at least, I know I'll stay sober. Mostly I feel the shame and pain in my heart that best intentions aren't enough, I need a better plan. I need to surround myself with success. I just need to f'n stop. So I have to figure out a way to stay sober tomorrow, when I'm not sick in body and instead feeling sick at heart.
