Had to reach the point of no return..
I know many people have heard my story. I came to SR 3 years ago. I was frightened, confused and had just reached that point where I knew things had to change. I'd had my share of drunken blackouts, injuries needing hospital treatment and half-hearted suicide attempts.
I leaned on this forum so heavily and I was amazed at the support I had.
I joined AA and threw myself into the steps. I had a sponsor and I did service work and began to sponsor others. I was never one for meetings. They used to irritate me and I was always slightly ashamed at my lack of patience. People talking and texting through meetings, leaving during mid-share or old-timers whose only purpose seemed to want to outdo each other with their knowledge of the Big Book and competing for the longest sober time...
Nevertheless I worked my programme and had good quality happy sobriety for 2 years 7 months when things started to unravel for me. I stopped attending meetings though I continued to work online helping others and was in frequent contact with my sponsor who has become a lifelong friend.
I had a series of events happen to me...caring for my Dad through the last months of his life, sitting with him when he died, my adult kids leaving home, changing jobs. All scary and life changing. Still...I kept going, did what I could but very slowly...without me even being aware of it, I was changing. Those closest to me saw it before I did.
Over Christmas I ended up relapsing. I was angry with God, I didn't want to be an alcoholic, I was ashamed of my alcoholism, I wanted to change myself into a normie. I was put on a high dose of antidepressants and I couldn't see beyond the fog. I stopped praying, meditating or caring about anything.
I have tried to give up since, but every week or so I would end up bingeing. And with every binge came more and more dishonesty and self-loathing. I began to think there was no way back for me...
Then last Saturday I woke up after yet another binge and I just knew I was done. Everything hurt...my head, my pride, my self-respect. I phoned my sponsor and she told me to get my arse to a meeting.
So on Saturday I ended up going back to the Fellowhip I so despised, but this time I was broken. I met people and heard things that I knew I was meant to hear. I went to one on Sunday and tomorrow I'm going to a candlelit one. I used to be scared of sharing, but I have spoken my truth to a crowded room.
No more lies, no more shadows. I'm back for good. Day 3....