Failed but Stopped before High. BIG PLAN MADE.
Hi everyone,
Hi am here now to post that i unfortunately more or less i gave in to acting out on addiction, i mean i started to act out but i stopped before getting high. Comparing to alchool it would be has i had some drinks and stopped. Now i consider that even if i gave in to start acting out, i had the courage to stop. Before getting high i started to feel so bad, so in panic, that i stopped. But thats not new, in the past i stopped in the "middle" before getting high, and some weeks later i gave in until getting high to the end. So it was not the first time. Thats because i still not trusting me. I know i have to feel 100% confident, but everytime you give in that confidence goes appart.
All started today, when i knew i would be alone for two hours, i was flooded by those endorphins in my head as soon as i knew i would be alone, i also used avrt to recognize this flooding, and at first i recognized and i knew i would not do it anyway, then it persisted, and i was in a situation where i was now asking the beast, what in the acting would be good, of course the beast offered me tons of ways for getting excited and i choosed the one who excited me better. I mean, it was as if i was waiting for the beast to tell me a way for getting most excited if i would do it or not, and the endophins flooded in my head again and i got up an started acting out.
One of the reasons is that i was preparing to make a BIG PLAN since i registered here 3 days ago, but since then i havent did any, because i was waiting for learning more AVRT so i could be prepared to make a BIGPLAN again.
But this time i made ONE even if dont know if i will fail or not. So Yes i made a BIG PLAN 5 minutes ago.
I WILL NEVER HAVE AN ORGASM AGAIN, DOESNT MATTER HOW, OUT OF MARRIAGE AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND. I WILL NEVER FORGET HOW DISGUSTED I FELT TODAY AND AS I ALWAYS FELT AND HOW I ALWAYS WAS SO STUPID TO RETURN TO IT AGAIN, LIKE I DID TODAY.
i know that in AVRT we dont need to share this with anyone, but i feel that it is good in the begining of learing and applying it so i can still have motivation to carry on training AVRT. I will not give up.
Thank you all.