Originally Posted by heartcore

I think words are important (but then, I'm a writer and a reader). It might be arguing semantics, but we talk about our conniving, manipulative AV "whispering words in our ear," trying to seduce us into drinking, so we do acknowledge that our perceptions and intentions can be changed with just words or thoughts of words...

I've written here before about the acceptance implied by the word "slip." To me, the word slip makes drinking a soft little accident, no big deal, just a cute little stumble as you cross the room. I use the word relapse, but as someone noted, the implication there is that we are all patients, and that - again - it is sort of out of our control, as a disease that resurfaces...

I recognize that it is a harsher word, but for me, drinking really is a failure! It is a failure to honor my commitment to my intentions. It is a failure to do the work that is part of my recovery. It is a giving in, a reach toward comfort, the choice of the easy. Just like choosing not to go to work and pulling the covers up, even though it might mean you get fired.

In some ways, that makes it sound like I am hard on myself, unforgiving. But, in truth, I am protecting myself. I am taking care of myself and my body and my health - physical, emotional, and spiritual. Just like if I broke a marriage vow with infidelity, I would consider myself a failure in that commitment, I have made a vow to myself to be sober, and if I break it, I have gone back on my word.

If I don't hold the hard line, I will drink. My AV is insidious, and quite able with words. I have to protect my sobriety like I would protect a baby, as we fled a fire storm through a jungle filled with hungry animals. I have to be ferocious in my protection of my sobriety.

I have "relapsed" multiple times; my whole adult life I have swung through the pendulum of being sober and drinking. In truth though, each time I have consciously made a decision to no longer live a sober lifestyle. Because it is difficult. And lonely, sometimes. And as soon as I am not living a sober lifestyle, I'm living a drinking lifestyle, and it isn't a momentary "slip" - it is a complete abandonment of my choice not to drink...