Originally Posted by
blossom1 
i know i should walk away, this is what i would tell any friend of mine, so why cant i? i feel so stupid and crappy
I don't know if its the same for you, but it might be a bit similar. I didn't let go of the relationship - even after realizing AXH was not just an alcoholic but abusive, even after he moved in with a GF - because I was holding onto expectations and guilt and I didn't want to fail. I expected him to treat me well because that is what _I_ would do. I expected him to be an involved partner with me and parent to our DS, again, because that is what _I_ would do. And I assumed his values were the same as mine. I felt horrible thinking I'd failed in helping him or keeping our marriage together. And all of the expectations I was holding onto were also tied up to a dream: I really, really wanted the family I'd thought we could be.
The easiest part for me was letting go of the fear of failure, because I realized that I had tried everything I could think of try to help and it was not helping him or me. I realized that nothing I did was going to change the dynamics of our relationship in a meaningful way until he started trying to change, too.
The hardest part for me was adjusting and then letting go of my expectations. It wasn't so much letting go of the dream of being the family I wanted us to be as it was realizing that my expectations that AXH be the partner and father that I wanted him to be were completely unrealistic. It meant realizing that I didn't need to let go of my dream for a family, but that I needed to let go of the idea that AXH would participate the way I thought he should. Yes, he'll always be DS's father, but he will never fit the part of "husband" and "dad" in my picture of 'Family'. It's just now how he thinks or behaves or interacts with other people.
You're not stupid. I'm sorry you feel crappy. The end of even relatively 'good' relationships is hard. Throw in addictions and the behaviors that go with that, and, well... it can get ugly. I think sitting down and figuring out what your hooks are (what is keeping you tangled up with him) would help you figure out how to get your feet back under you.