I’m glad that he is ok. And I do hope you stay around. There is so much to learn.
Addiction will never make sense and it can’t be rationalized. Addiction is an opposite. Everything you would do in some normal situation will have an opposite effect in addiction.
I know it can be overwhelming. I know it feels desperate. I haven’t yet forgotten the early days, the insanity in my head, the fear, the worry, the confusion and the need to do something, anything. Because hell shouldn’t I be able to help him? If I could take one word to describe that time it would be convoluted. And it was all so convoluted.
The lies … they always show the truth. It is just that everyone gets so hung up with the fact they are being lied to, that they forget the lies are showing them exactly what they have in front of them.
And trust … it isn’t about learning not to trust him. You should trust the fact that he will do exactly what he wants to and you won’t be able to stop him. And even more so the one thing that will help you more is learning to trust yourself. Counselling may be a huge help there.
There is a great quote from Gavin de Becker on denial. “Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn't so.”
I am not sure there is a way to cope with anyone actively using. I would question if it is even healthy to want to cope. Finding acceptance is good though. Learning to accept that this isn’t personal, that he isn’t using at you … accepting they are an addict, accepting you have no control over anyone but yourself that would be healthy and beneficial to you.
You did nothing wrong with the money. You did not take it and go out and cop, he did.
When we advise you to protect yourself financially, it is so that you will not be put into any further hole because he isn’t done. Please note that stopping his access to money will not stop him from using. You don’t take that action because of him, to protect him, to save him or to stop him from using. You do that to protect yourself and save yourself from any more financial havoc.
This will be an inside job for him. Not letting him come home, well in my head that is a good thing. Watch motive. If you aren’t letting him come home because you think it will force him to get help … again going back to how opposite addiction is … that may not be healthy. But if you aren’t letting him come home to protect you, your child and to bring peace and safety into your home, that is very healthy and what you should be doing. And I know it is hard and heart breaking.
I am so glad you are going to counselling. That is the one thing I do think helps in this situation. It is in learning our whys that helps us to make the best decisions we can for our health, welfare and safety.
Take good care of you.
(((hugs)))