Began recognizing the need to 'cut down' and that drinking was sorely impacting my life in my late thirties. Though in my early thirties I'd gotten a DUI and been sentenced to AA, and in my early 20's had been in trouble with the law and had been blacking out and binge drinking since 14.... I hadn't 'recognized' any issue until my early thirties. So, at that time I began actual efforts to moderate and to go entirely without. I managed a 45 day no-drinking stint at one point. But apart from that.... couldn't go more than maybe a week or so without going back to drinking and was often drinking when I'd truly not wanted to....
So then in my late thirties I got ANOTHER DUI.... and with that and a few other escalating incidents around my family life, I could no longer deny the problem. At 39 I managed to string together 5 months of sobriety whereupon I decided I was "fine". Had only needed a "reset". Then came another 1.5 year relapse and the worst-ever pattern of blackouts, binges, habitual uncontrollable drinking. Mostly alone and in 'secret'.
I finally entered into what I consider real sobriety at 42. I did it with AA and SR and counseling and big changes to my lifestyle and focus on healthfulness and a genuine DESIRE to choose sobriety. It has been rich, rewarding, challenging, frustrating, depressing and wonderful. It has been far from easy but it has been more worth it than I'd ever imagined. My life is improving all the time and my mind and body are feeling better than ever.
It took me all those years and all those negative consequences because I was too stubborn to admit to myself what I was doing to my life, because I was too stubborn and proud to seek help, because I was too afraid to change. I am sure - had I been willing to accept in my early thirties and embraced AA and sobriety - that my life would be unrecognizable in its goodness today. I would have one less DUI on my record and would be financially secure and so much further ahead.....
But, that was my path and I accept and don't resent. I cherish my sobriety and my life today and I'm grateful every day that I made this choice. Life is deep, rich and joyful and every moment of it is a choice; to LIVE it and embrace it - or to blot it out with poison.
I choose life....
