Once again so many kind and thoughtful responses. Thanks.
The better part of me doesn't want to drink and most of the time I'm still sober. I was having some depression when I picked back up... winter blues. I was crabby with everyone and felt like I was just going through the motions.... no real spark. My sex life wasn't where it was... I had lost my drive and that was really messing with my head. I'm NOT interested in going on antidepressants! I've read and I know people who take them and they make you gain weight and they can also screw up libido. I already think I need to lose weight and as I've stated I'm not ok with losing my libido. I don't want to be fat and frigid. So I'm self medicating.
However even as I write this I know it's ridiculous. There are alternatives that I know work. Healthy lifestyle, exercise, suppliments, fruits and veggies, getting outdoors more. I was really isololating and wallowing in my funk and I chose the easy way out. I was really bored too.... I missed hanging out with my peeps and going out and getting up to no good. I don't know how to not be that person and I felt raw sometimes. I was lonely. But I know where this path will lead me and it's such a slippery slope. I'm controlling it for now but it doesn't take much before I'm justifying drinking on Mon or Tues because I've had a ****** day or the sun is shining and it's summer or...... fill in the blank with whatever reason. So I get it. It's hard to find that resolve again.... BEFORE it gets bad again and I'm in so much pain that I'm desperate.