You are doing ok Zen. Try to remember that alcoholism is a disease, not a crime. As a disease it has certain symptoms, one of which is that it's sufferers have a hard time recognising the extent of the problem and coming to terms with it.
At the moment you are in what I would call the diagnostic, treatment and prognosis stage.
Am I or aren't I? Do I want any help? What will happen if I keep going? Will I stay the same or get worse? Is there anything better than this life with alcohol?
Please keep coming back and posting. Read the other posts and see how your experience compares. Reach out when you are ready. There is not a lot anyone else can do until you are convinced you need to do something, but when that time comes, there will be plenty of help available.