MrsD....if he were to really make the connection between the alcoholism and the problems in your relationship....it would be the pits for him. He would have to shoulder the "blame" (responsibility). He would have to give up drinking.
That is the very last thing in the world that an alcoholic wants to do. It seems like life would not be liveable. It is like oxygen. It enables them to deal with life..and the positive and negative emotions. Without alcohol...it would be like plucking the wings off a fly. The very thought of never having another drink is, literally, unimaginable.
Denial is a hallmark of the disease...and is a necessary tool for the alcoholic. It enables them to protect their disease. Denial enables their actions to be logical and reasonable (to them).
To you...alcohol is the problem. To the alcoholic....alcohol is the solution.
The alcoholic doesn't drink to hurt you...or, even want to hurt you even though it may). It has nothing to do with you. It is all about the need to protect the ability to drink. It is just what an alcoholic does.
If you would like a much better explanation of how the alcoholic mind works.....
Do a google search for: bmawellness.com select the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
There are several excellent articles by him. You might especially appreciate the following two:
1. "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships"
2. "Excuses Alcoholic Make"
These were especially helpful to me.
dandylion