I honestly think the folks on this forum are the most useful & helpful I've ever dealt with in my life, and I only posted for the first time a few hours ago! I really appreciate the responses so much. I wish I had had something like this when I was married before. I suffered silently for so long.
No, you're exactly right, he's truly not contributing much to the marriage. And yes, whether I have ever admitted it to myself or not, I have lowered expectations. My ex husband was controlling, he somehow manipulated me into accepting not being allowed to work or have a bank account the entire time we were married. My name was not on our home or my car. When he left, I had nothing and a credit score of zero. I couldn't get a job with no experience, I couldn't get an apartment (my parents bought a house & rent it to me) I couldn't even get the electricity turned on in the house without credit, I had to scrape together a huge deposit. The ex was abusive mentally & physically, he drank and got even meaner, and he was addicted to pornography & started inviting girls over to his amateur "studio" to take naked pictures. (Where he met the teenage pincushion online.) He was absolutely horrible and still is. He's actually only allowed supervised visitation with the kids at this point, in a public place only. I could go on and on... but I digress.
I guess my point is that after all that... geez no one looks too bad. I told a friend once "I work for crumbs" from men. He empties the dishwasher once out of 100 times I do it.. and I just gratefully eat that little crumb right up. He contributes crumbs to this marriage, and if not for all I dealt with for all those years, I would better be able to see the insanity of working for the crumbs. As it is, I just think gosh, he's not into porn & teenage girls, he doesnt hit me & demand sex, he's a good guy who drinks & zones out is not always empathetic and in tune with my needs. I know darn well that's no justification, but I'm being honest.
"You teach people how to treat you" and I always teach them I don't need or want or deserve anything. Once I realize I've done that, then I'm not really sure how to take it back and make them realize that's not the case.
So.... now you're thinking, "Geez this woman has more problems than the alcoholic!" and I probably do. I guess no one would willingly subject themselves to the daily struggles of loving & sharing a home & a life with an alcoholic unless something was a little troubled within themselves too. I really had no business getting into a relationship before working out all the past a little better. But.. I did. A wise friend told me "Your people picker is gonna be messed up if you dont deal with what the ex did to you." SO very true.
I realize that just because things could be much worse, that does not make things good.
Again, thank you all SO MUCH for all this advice and your thoughts. It's funny how you're picking up on things from a few paragraphs of my writing that most people who've known me for 40 years never have.