MrsD.....I really do get where you are coming from...more than you probably imagine.
From where I set...I suspect that a lot of what you describe is from cultural expectations--the culture of your immediate environment that you grew up in...especially your family.
From where I grew up---Rural AND urban West Virginia.....this is the norm for lots of women..even as we speak.
Also, the self image that you developed during your growing-up years...from you particular family dynamics has a big impact.
As we go into adulthood--we typically have to "review" what we were taught at the parental knee...and, determine which of those ideas and values we truly can internalize as our own. Some, we cling to because they work for us...and, some we discard because they don't work for us in our adult life. What worked for our parents doesn't ALWAYS work for us. This whole process which usually occurs between late teen and the next couple of decades is generally labeled as individuation. It is just another of the developmental stages that we all have to go through (whether we like it or not..lol!)
I sure as hell did....caused some conflict with my family from time to time, also...LOL!
But--guess what? Everybody got over it and nobody died!
(I was the first in my family to ever get a divorce, also).
all of this is just to say....I understand what you are struggling with....
dandylion