MrsD....I say this in the friendliest way....it seems like your identity is more tied up in the concept of marriage (and all that that implies) than your own personal happiness.
I think that, so often, we grow up learning certain "rules" of how to behave in a nornal relationship--where there is mutuality and reciprocity and a nurturing give and that kind of interdependence. Where people thrive, and, not just endure.
What we don't usually get to learn is that there are certain situations where the "normal" rules get turned on their head. ADDICTIONS AND ABUSE are deal breakers in any relationship.
Those conditions are so disruptive in their dynamics....that normal and healthy cannot be achieved.
To try to make it work..because we soo desperately want it not to be true, is l ike trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
Just because you feel like you "love" a person...or that they have some attractive qualities..or you have some good times interspersed with the bad....is not enough to make a relationship work. Sadly, for many of us.
I think that you must be in a l ot of pain...or you wouldn't be writing to us on the forum.
Good for you that you have decided to be talking about it.
You have just taken the first step to facing the reality...
The first step is usually the most important step of all....
dandylion