MrsD

I started reading this forum recently but I've never posted here or anywhere.

The short of it: I was married a majority of my life.. my ex-husband & I were together since childhood. He eventually grew up to be a narcissistic controlling jerk, but he was really all I knew. Things weren't great but I was a stay at home mom, we had a family, a mortgage, & what looked like a normal life, so I hung in there faithfully.. Until one day at 40 he suddenly ran off with a barely legal teenage girl full of facial piercings he met online. Ya can't make this stuff up.

I was completely devastated but I created a new life, got a job, and made a home for my two sons, now 14 & 16. And... I remarried. Too soon. I was overly anxious to re create a family, or the feeling of a family, or at least the appearance of it. I'm now about a year and a half into this new marriage.

My husband is handsome, he's fit, intelligent, he's not controlling, he doesn't look at other women, he's basically a nice guy, nicer than I had ever known. But.. he's an alcoholic. In the 2+ years since he's lived in my home (it's ours but my kids and I were here and he joined us) he has barely contributed anything financially. His trade is foreign language translation and he has worked very little. He gets a document to work on here and there, but nothing steady. Most of what he makes goes to child support from his former marriage. He's had a couple of jobs, but he quits after a few weeks when it's "no fun." I've had to work very low paying, no fun jobs constantly to support all of us. At first, I was in that "honeymoon" stage with him.. and my new independent life in general, and I didn't really mind. The honeymoon is now over and I mind. I come home after an 8-10 hour day of a physical labor job to find him sitting at the computer, surrounded by a mess of books, papers & dishes, watching funny videos and telling me "he's tired."

As for creating that "family," it didn't happen. He is cordial with my sons but has no interest in a relationship with them.

He drinks during the day while I work but he thinks I dont notice. He drinks in the evenings until he falls asleep. He's not verbally or physically aggressive-- he just fades out and I end up alone. He has to purchase alcohol every evening in order to limit himself. If he has 6 beers in the house, he drinks 6. If he has 32 beers in the house, he drinks 32. There's no off switch once he gets started.

Every few weeks he "sees the light" or has a health scare, and talks excitedly of big plans to quit drinking and get his life together. That lasts anywhere between a couple of hours and a couple of days. He's often more difficult to deal with when he's NOT drinking because his moods are all over the place and he's emotionally distant.

Very often when he tries to take a night off drinking, he does this: We are sitting together having a good evening and suddenly without warning, he tries to create some little drama to get an excuse to storm out of the house and drink. Example, last night my kids came back from a dinner out with their dad. My 14 year old has mild autism and his dad makes him so nervous that he often doesnt eat most of his food-- he always brings it home and eats it later in the evening. My husband knows this, but he reached in the fridge and stuffed all of the food in his mouth. I was kindve dumbfounded when I saw him do it, and I said "Really.. did you just do that?" IMMEDIATELY he got defensive and loud & complained that my kids aren't the center of the universe, that he should be able to eat their food without "fear of them bitching about it." (To me it's just about respect for others belongings.) It was so out of character for him. He then got his coat and ran out the door, dramatically saying that he needed to get out of this house if he was going to be under "constant surveillance." An hour later he staggered in drunk and went to bed.

It's a constant pattern with him, either look for a problem and poke at it or create one, then bolt out the door and drink, as if he was driven to do it. A couple of times he's even driven 150 miles away to his parents house and told me he should never have gotten married. He always returns within a day or two and wants to work things out. It's so uncomfortable to share a home and a life with someone who is loving one moment, then in the blink of an eye, runs out the door. I feel we're always 1 word away from him walking out again. As a result, I stuff my emotions down and & resentment builds.

This morning he was back in the "well maybe you should just file for divorce if I'm such a bad person" mode as he packed his car to visit mom & dad again. (Who have house FULL of alcohol, btw.) It all seems to be a self fulfilling prophecy-- he believes his relationships are doomed to fail so he behaves in a way that makes it happen. Its like a passive aggressive way of making me be the one to choose ending the relationship. I know that's what happened in his 1st marriage. His initial story was that she coldly surprised him with divorce papers for no reason, then later I found that 15 years of watching him almost drink himself to death in front of their sons just took an understandable toll on her.

I want the marriage. I love him. I hate divorce. Not for religious reasons, but just good character & commitment reasons. The relationship is not perfect but in general we are a passionate, romantic, fun couple. The alcohol powered roller coaster is making me feel sick though.

Any friendly words of wisdom? I know I can't fix him and it's up to him to help himself, but in the meantime I'm barely making ends meet & providing for my kids as I support his "lifestyle." Sometimes I don't know if I should just cut my losses & give up. The thought of that absolutely goes against everything in me.

Thanks for listening.