sknghlp

I am new here to SR. I used to be addicted to pain killers for about ten years after my parents passed away. One of my sisters and I began taking opiates to help deal with the pain. She and I both married addicts. My younger sister began using about five years ago and went from opiates to shooting heroin within four short years. During Thanksgiving of 2010, I realized, while looking at my addicted family over the dinner table, that I was done with this behavior. I began a 27 day recovery for myself by working and carrying 1 loratab around with me that month...which I never took.

It has been a long and lonely four years. Everyone in my life, sisters, husband, in-laws, are all addicted to pills. I have felt completely out of place and have never felt that I had anywhere to turn to.

Here over the past several months, I have lost all faith and trust in my AH. He is an addict so of course, so it is hard to communicate with him. The only time he has moments of clarity is when he is coming down. Over the past few months, he has been smoking meth behind my back. But I am no fool...I know him and can look at him and see what he is on. (I do not claim to be an angel at all. I have partaken with him in several different drugs over the years but only have done them recreationally and when HE has brought them around. I think I mostly partook because I didn't want to be around him and it was the only way we could actually talk civilly.

I have learned that I too have problems. I do not feel that I am an addict because I do not do drugs but once in a blue moon. I have watched all of my loved ones lose their selves in abuse and knew that I would never become them.

I began reading all of the information provided at SR and realize that I can not fix any of them. My older sister and her husband are now both in prison and my younger sister put herself in rehab three weeks ago. All three of them, I pray, will come out better people. But I am at a lose with my AH. I have done all of the do's and don'ts of dealing and helping an addict and have realized that I can not fix any of them. I wish I could help my husband, but I now know that I can not. I need to fix myself and the damage that I have allowed addiction, theirs and mine, to do to me.

I am alone in this, this is why I am here now. I am tired of being alone. I have located Al-anon meetings and NAR-anon meetings within my area and hope I can find my way there to attend. I am trying to change myself, I have recently gone back to college to get my BAS and really want to concentrate on myself. I do not want to leave my husband behind, but with his addiction, his addicted parents and (recently moved back from California) addicted sister, I do not know if he can change even though I really know he wants to.

I guess I just need input from others that have experience with these types of issues. Thanks for reading!