Originally Posted by splendra
((((CM))))
You seem to be a man of strong faith and I know many women that would like to meet a man like you.
You said something about sins of your past haunting you still. Just remember that Jesus came to relieve that burden of sin. I think we block our own forgiveness a lot. To me you seem so real and deep and complete in the Lord...
If I was God I would get you and MG together but, I guess it's a good thing I am not....
I appreciate the kind words, but I am actually a man of weak faith, if any faith at all. If I have faith, it is truely in the form and size of a mustard seed. That is actually one of the underlying messages in this thread. I am expressing a vulnerable, agonizing pain in my heart that took my life on a detour and in a direction I would have never hoped for or imagined. It is part of the dark abyss of my life that I would have never chosen to explore, outside of my ignorance, and that I hate to love, and love to hate. Even so, I can't seperate myself from it because it is part of what makes me who I am. My "fantasy girl" brought me some of the most euphoric, sublime moments in my life, and yet it was all a lie; she doesn't even exist. That is what it is to be deceived; pleasure in a lie, and I have experienced this repeatedly in my life in many diverse ways. I am not worthy of the name "Christian". To be a Christian is something I'm striving for, and hope to attain that life we are all, in various ways, seeking. As of now, I'm just a sinner, with the hope that I'll be saved by grace.