I meant that I was literally crawling. My wife was sleeping, and I crawled across the room so she wouldn't see me, then opened the mini-fridge, and crawled with the bottles into the bathroom and drank them. What? isn't that what normal people do? Aren't people crawling around bars and around the streets everyday?
I can't get the image out of my head either. Of all of the messed up things I've done in 23 years of drinking, some of them horrifying, scary, life-threatening, hurtful, pathetic, barbaric, and sick….for some reason, after 110 days of purposeful sobriety, this crawl was the most pathetic of all.
Again I'm thankful for this website. I am recommitted to my sobriety and recovery. I'll keep that image in my mind as a reminder of how powerless alcohol can make me, just 1 sip. I actually drew a sketch of me crawling. And I wrote a journal, step by step, of what was going through my mind from the morning when I woke up, until I had that drink. I really feel that I knew all day that I was going to do that. Groveling, a slave to a tiny bottle of poison.
I am an amazing person. I am blessed with an amazing family, friends, an extremely high level of consciousness, and the ability to manifest the things I want. I've studied mindset and the "skill" of being happy for years, and have developed the ability to quiet my mind and live in the moment whenever I choose. Yet, there is 1 thing that can push all of those amazing blessings aside, and that is alcohol. Just 1 sip, and I become the polar opposite of the "true me". I become a coward.
I know how to be happy, to be abundant, to feel amazing just noticing how a breeze feels on my face, or how eye contact with people I love can fill me with joy. My AV is tricky, and my AV's primary purpose is to take me out of the present moment, and into the world of mind, and to dilute my experience by making me think a temporary solution will be just that. It won't be, it will be a permanent vacation from the things that are abundant in my life.
I will not poison who I am anymore. I will continue to be a wholesome, loving, high conscious person and I'm now in full acceptance of the fact that if I want to be happy, I won't drink. If I want to be crawling through the rest of my life, I will. I choose the former.
Sorry for the rant, I hope it makes sense and is helpful. You guys have been very helpful in many ways.
thanks!