I completely understand everything you've written: I didn't want to be a single mom, I didn't want to be alone. I was afraid of DS having him around, afraid of DS not having him around, of having to let DS go to his Dad's without me there to protect him. I felt beyond foolish for falling in love with AXH and for still being in love with him months/years after I'd left him. I felt foolish for hoping he would change, for hoping that rehab would 'fix' everything.
What I had the hardest time letting go of was the IDEA of him and the dream of our family. Who he could have been, who he could be if he didn't drink. Who I could be if I wasn't constantly dealing with the worry and stress and fear.
The only thing I had control over in that scenario, was me. _I_ couldn't be that person, that mother for DS, while actively dealing with AXH's drinking and behavior. The thing is, I stuck around so long hoping that AXH would change, that I nearly lost me. When I realized that I had almost left DS with no one else but AXH, I realized I needed to leave.
Do you not have any family? or is it that your family is far away? or do they have their own drama that you've gotten away from? I don't really mean these as questions that you have to answer here at F&F, but I know it helped me to look at each of my concerns one at a time and try to reconsider them. I felt I had no one besides AXH, but it was just because he'd effectively isolated me from my family. So, for me, it wasn't that I didn't have family, it was just that I was afraid of going to them for a number of reasons. (Embarrassment, AXH would get angry...) And I know your case may be completely different, or maybe it's just a perception. ? IDK
I wanted AXH to be an active part of our family. I wanted his support and input on things regarding our family. I didn't want to be alone. But he didn't participate. And while I wasn't alone, I most certainly didn't have companionship.
Revisiting each of those concerns (and more) and weighing out the options helped me.