I'm really relating to your post, Johno1. I also found myself often feeling jealous and crazy when my XABF chose to play war games on his phone then to have a conversation with me about our situation EVERRR. I think he checks out because he can't deal with the reality of the situation...which is that he's an alcoholic and this is not 'normal' and he's not actively addressing the situation. He KNEW what he had to do to be well and sustain it, but he wasn't willing to do that, so anytime I brought attention to it, he either flipped out, checked out or diverted the conversation to another topic (usually of no real significance) like how he's discovered which brand lint rollers best work for cleaning the cat hair off the couch...????
I agree with you that it is hard to commit to an al-anon meeting, you're still trying to have a normal life and hoping it will regulate itself. I am still trying to talk myself into going. I'm new to SR, but from what I've read so far, it will be a positive step.
Good luck to you.