I wouldn't automatically say "leave him." I did end up leaving, but here's what I did prior to that -- because I felt like I wanted to
know in my heart of hearts that I had indeed done
everything before "giving up" on my marriage.
I started reading a lot and posting a little here (not to say you shouldn't post as much as you want -- I'm just saying I didn't, mostly because I didn't like to hear what people had to say...
)
I started going to Al-Anon meetings; first weekly and then as often as I could, and working their 12-step program -- first alone, and then with a sponsor.
That way, I educated myself about what alcoholism is, what it does to the alcoholic, what it does to the people around the alcoholic, and what the prognosis is for the future -- without treatment and with treatment.
I understood my role in the dysfunction in my marriage, and I accepted that I could no more "fix" his alcoholism than I could "fix" a traumatic brain injury. I could only fix
me.
Then I looked at where that left me. I tried living with it, providing self-care for myself and protecting the children (ours were younger than yours.)
And then, when his drinking progressed, his brain functions declined, and he became abusive, I left.
Many, if not most, of the people I met in Al-Anon had chosen to stay with their A spouses. In some cases, it was because they were a generation of women who had never worked, and felt like they didn't have a choice for financial reasons. In other cases, it was spouses who felt that the "for better for worse" of their marriage vows included dealing with addiction. In yet other cases, they simply didn't feel like they had the energy and strength to start over. And I never once heard anyone criticize anyone else's choices. We just supported each other where we were.
And I think that was the great thing about Al-Anon for me -- that it really is a program of personal responsibility. Nobody tells you what you should or shouldn't do -- other than that
you should take responsibility for your life and your choices (and that's not "officially" in the program, that's just what I took away from it).
I'll tell you what prevented me from going to Al-Anon for a very long time: As long as I didn't go there, I could tell myself that "my husband drinks too much some days but, you know, with his history, who wouldn't?" I felt like if I walked into just ONE Al-Anon meeting, I would have admitted to myself that
my husband was an alcoholic -- and then I couldn't un-admit it. I would have to live with that truth, and I would have to
do something about it.
So that's the last thought I'm going to leave you with: You don't have to do anything
right now. You are on your own time schedule. If you don't feel ready to go to Al-Anon, you don't. When you do feel ready, it's there. You don't have to even
know what your plan for dealing with this is. It's your life, you make the decisions.
