So… 6 days and counting. After months and years in an ego-centric bubble I’m finally able to lift my gaze and notice that there are people all around me struggling too. I have an 18-yo son who’s living in an institution (has been since his foster home had to admit defeat in January – like the rest of us before them). My mum is working herself to death while struggling with depression. Friends with no jobs or jobs that literally burn them out. Wow… And here I’ve been sitting, isolating myself, clutching a can of beer (well, more like 10-12) feeling overwhelmingly sorry for myself, in spite of the fact that I have a great job, wonderful colleagues, friends who truly love me and stick by me no matter what and a family that will do anything to fix all the problems I should have been handling a long time ago.
I keep reading in different threads that it’s important to be kind to yourself when you quit drinking. Don’t overexert, eat ice-cream, relax, have a nap and so on. I think these past couple of years have been all about me. I have gone with my every whim, not really thinking about any consequences. The things I’ve done that have affected my family especially… All the promises I never kept, the responsibilities I never lived up to, the people I tore a new one online whenever drunk enough to be “honest”. My life purpose used to be to light up the room and make the world a happier place (yeah, I know…). Well, I’m reclaiming it! I find it hard to want to pick up a drink while I’m busy contemplating ways to make people feel better. This weekend I left homemade lasagne, wine (!) and chocolate for a friend who’s been struggling since Christmas, I knitted socks for a couple of people who need something besides bills in their mailbox, and tonight I think I’ll make some cookies to bring to work tomorrow. I used to be really into the whole “random acts of kindness” thing too, will be looking for ways to make that happen again as well.
I guess my point is that right now, it’s really nice to focus on something besides myself. I’m kind of sick and tired of being in my own head, it’s the only part of the world I’ve seen for years now – need to broaden my horizon. It also makes me feel incredibly good to be able to contribute again, sort of like my signature says.
A little bit of deep breathing, mindfulness and thought control, some great feedback telling me I’m a resource to people after all – only day 6, but I’m feeling really positive. …and maybe like I’m growing wings and a halo.
