I've never really been one to reach out to people for help. Just put on a smile and pull through. So in recovery, I found myself going at it alone. A couple of threads on SR is all I wanted to take up from someones time. Because all of you probably want to help the good people on here, rather than bad little ol' me. But there was something not right about me thinking like that.
I was not going anywhere, no job, no friends, on a half year waiting list for counselling, so it's just me and my pets. I just started to read the internet. Just searching. Low self esteem. Forgiving yourself. Internal voice. Last but not least, narcissistic mother (tip: The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller). A lot of things resonated but kept feeling inherently bad, I even had to put my car in storage because of the invasive thoughts of what I would do to myself. But kept reading, till my a** hurt from sitting all day.
On day 60 (4 days ago) it paid off. As I was reading:
"WHO REALLY didn’t know who I was?
It didn’t matter which realisation exploded up into my awareness one after the other after the other, it all led to the same truth – “People can only love, connect to and treat me at the level I love, connect to and treat myself”.
This doesn’t mean I was a BAD people – it meant I could be really BAD to myself.
And why are we bad to ourselves? The answer is simple, because our world and role models have taught us that we are the LAST person we should give our own love, devotion and attention to.
This journey taught me profoundly how totally screwed up that is…"
And suddenly, there she was, me. The mini-me I came across, was feeling pretty bad. She was getting so much negative reinforcement, from her parents, her peers, the people that were supposed to teach her,that she could do nothing else but internalise all that negativity. And I finally got to hold her, and tell her, she's not bad. And that I am sorry she had to go through all that, by herself, and that ANYONE would have been affected, having to carry her burdain. I told the little girl that a lot of bad things would happen to her along the way, things she just doesn't deserve.
And I got to tell her that she would be fine, that there IS someone who can love her like she deserves. That's me, little one. I'm sorry, and I love you.
It feels like I am whole, for the first time in my life.
If you have an inkling of what went wrong for you to want to destroy yourself, take your new found sobriety, all the time you have on your hands, and read, read, read. You are not the first to ask the internet what to do with yourself, and someones words might just wake you up. Go to thrift stores and stock up on books. Keep reading, though it hurts sometimes and tears will flow. If you have someone to talk to, do so, and ask them to be honest even though it smarts. Write down things that ring true. Look at your previous and current relationships and try to see and understand what they say about the relationship you have with your inner child. Look closely, the little boy or girl might be hurt and in need of your love.
I finally met me, and I love her.
