Dee - excellent topic. Alcoholism has been extraordinarily destructive on my father's side of the family. My grandfather was a helpless alcoholic that drank himself mad and then to death. He bankrupted the family by going to a sanitarium (it may have been called something else, but my father referred to some institution that he went to that sounded like a rehab before it was called 'rehab') three different times to 'dry out'. My father hated my grandfather for everything, and promised himself that he would never do that to his children.
My father was an alcoholic, and he got arrested when I was less than 1 year old. My mother had no choice but to bring me with her to come bail my dad out. She literally was holding me in her arms when she pointed through the bars to the jailer and said 'that's him'. My father swore off the drink on that day, and never touched a drop again. He never did any sort of recovery program, but many of his other drinking buddies did. The vast majority of them failed repeatedly. He is a tough as a nail and stubborn as a mule though. His life may have been better if he had used some recovery program, but that just isn't his style. Once he makes his mind up to do something he is going to do it or die in the process. He never took a drink after that night, which was over 30 years ago now.
Alcohol, cigarettes, etc. were never used in my house growing up. My father caught me with beer once when I was a teenager and warned me. I mentioned this on the F&F substance abuse forum yesterday too. He basically told me that my life would be much better if I never drank. He explained how it ran in the family, and that it is very destructive. Also, he admitted that there is nothing that he could do to stop me if that was my choice, but he told me that he was right on this topic. If I ever listened to him about anything in my life I should listen to him about drinking. Of course, I was a teenager so my old man's IQ registered near room temperature, and I was approaching Albert Einstein. The reality of the situation was that I was an idiot for taking years and years to realize that he was right. Even though alcohol wasn't the substance that initially did me in, I should have known that it would apply to other substances as well.
With my children I am afraid for them. My wife's side of the family is clear of substance abuse issues, but they bring a plethora of other mental health problems to the table. If one of my children had to have a surgery while they were still under my care I would have a very tough decision about allowing them to have narcotics post-surgery. Obviously, they would need narcotics for the actual surgery, but I would become a Nazi with the take-home pills. They would get the absolute minimum required to get by. Then the pills get flushed. That is a problem that I haven't had to face yet thank God, but it is something I have thought about before.
All of that said, there is only so much one can do to protect one's children. Hopefully, I will have given them enough independence so that they can develop their own decision making skills. In college I remember seeing all of the children that came from households with helicopter parents that were over protective. They were sniffing 8 balls, sleeping around all over the place, and drinking themselves numb before the first semester was over. I am not sure that I will have an absolutely no alcohol policy in my household because of that. If they make their mind up to drink then there really is nothing I can do to stop them. If I am a tyrant about it then I fear that they will be more likely to get in dangerous situations in their efforts to hide it from me (e.g. driving around drunk, sleeping over at random houses after the part is over, etc.). I would rather them be able to call me if they are drunk and need me to pick them up. That will only work if I have a no questions asked policy. Of course, if I start picking them up drunk all the time then there are clearly problems. It would be great if they made the decision on their own not to drink, but I am definitely not counting on that.
However, if I ever caught them with pills / H I would have a **** fit. I would be shocked if they were able to develop a daily habit without me catching on, but they would be in for a special treat if they did. We would go right into an OpioPhobe supervised, cold-turkey at-home detox. I would probably end up going to prison if that happened, because I would likely take it to far (e.g. threatening and/or assaulting their dealers).