I thank you all again for great advice. I will re read my posts. It's amazing looking back on last night that my first thought was that I had to sneak the drinking. It also feels like such a cowardly move to feel the need to drink to enjoy myself. Robbing myself of true life experience. If I can't connect and enjoy my life without alcohol, I really am a coward.
I also recognize how sneaky and powerful my av is when I'm not staying aware of it. I will set the intention to simply notice this voice when it arrives and I will choose to enjoy my life the way it is. Thanks again