Hi TD
You asked if you are the problem.
I found that since my part in my relationship problems were within me, I also then had the Power to change them.
It's not about blame of others or self. It's just about finding the Truth so my life can change.
The 12 Steps and a relationship with God helped me work through all that junk...my adult child behaviors and shame and self-blame, the times I had in fact gossiped or was so fearful i was paranoid...why I chose the people i did and what my patterns were and most important - a Solution, a real Solution as to how to let God cease it (He IS the Solution - He is where the necessary Power comes from.) I keep my eyes on my own paper and do my own work.
I used a book in another fellowship (AA Big Book) and around 4 months into my writing I was so steeped in a new way of life and becoming so content that I stopped thinking about "him" and what work "he" should do. It was the work of my life and absolutely indescribable.
I stay away from labels like BPD etc. trust me, I went down that road for YEARS - the psychiatrists, meds, etc...I just got sicker.
The only thing - and I mean after I had exhausted all else - was doing the steps with a Big Book Study sponsor. By the end of my writing I was almost unrecognizable.
Best wishes
WMJ